Celebrity Death Match: Tortallan Style
by Arram Salmalin
Summary: Your favorite (or least favorite) characters of your most favorite series' are here to duke it out and see who's the strongest of them all.
1. Opening

Tittle: Celebrity Death Match: Tortallan Style!  
  
Authors: Arram Salmalin and Lady Knight of Kennen  
  
Disclaimer: *monotone voice* All characters in this fic are the great goddess's, Tamora Pierce. We do not own them. And Celebrity Death Match has its own copyright somewhere and we don't own that either.  
  
"Hello and welcome to the show. I'm your host Orzone the disgruntled Stormwing * who wrote this piece of crap cue card? * And this is my co-host Varice Kingsford. We're here live and ready to rock, roll, and see some bloody action as the most terrific and horrifying battle will take place today on Celebrity Death Match: Tortallan Style.  
  
Varice: Today will consist of a total of 4 great 3-way fights and one tremendous finale. First up will be a mages' contest consisting of the 3 most powerful mages in all of Tortall's history. And the fighters are: Numair Salmalin. Considered to be the most powerful mage in the realm, this block robe master will turn you into a tree before you can say "I'm going to dump you for some underage whore who talks to animals and has no idea that she needs to go home and kill herself!" * gets angry looks from Orzone * or um "don't hurt me."  
  
Orzone: Riiiiiiight. well anyways, one of his opponents will be Roger, Duke of Conté. Recently brought back from the dead for the third time just so we could see him die another horrible and painful death.  
  
Audience: YAAAAA!!!!!!  
  
Varice: And the final fighter of round one will be Lord Thom of Trebond. Also considered to be the most powerful mage of all time, Thom has been brought back from the dead with the same purpose as Roger, to be mutilated by his colleagues.  
  
Orzone: Now lets go ringside with referee Raoul of Goldenlake and Malorie's Peak.  
  
* All combatants and referee are standing in the ring. *  
  
Raoul: Now you three, you all know the rules, last one standing is the winner, other than that.kill.just kill. Are you ready? LET'S GET IT ON!!! 


	2. Mages Battle: Part 1

Celebrity Death Match: chapter two  
  
Raoul: LETS GET IT ON!!!!!!!!!!  
  
The three contestants begin to circle each other, as Raoul hauls his butt to the sidelines to get out of the line of fire.  
  
Ozorne: The three most powerful mages of Tortallan history circle each other, preparing for the battle to the death!  
  
Suddenly Thom begins to chant arcane words that no one in the audience understands, but Numair and Roger do ,and they start to back up to the edges of the ring. There is a flash of bright white light and a bit of blood colored magic. When everyone can see again they see a giant state puff marshmallow man standing in the center of the ring, holding a piece of paper, which he gives to Thom. Everyone looks surprised, including Thom.  
  
Thom: "I said to bring some more death and destruction. Not ingredients and instructions on how to make s'mores!!!!"  
  
Numair and Roger try (with out success) to hide there giggling.  
  
Thom: "oh well. I was taught to work with the tools, I'm given, so…" to the giant marsh mellow man standing in the ring looking confused, thom yelled, "Kill the other two!"  
  
Numair and Roger immediately straiten up and look at the giant ball of sugar looking down at the two very small humans (well, they were very small to him anyway!) he proceeded to pick up Roger first, and then Numair. He started to eat Numair first, but roger yelled:  
  
Roger: "hey you big oaf! Eat me first!! I want to be eaten!!"  
  
The marshmallow man looked at Numair, who shrugged, giving him a look that plainly said, 'go ahead, I'll wait." the marshmallow man looked at Roger, sizing him up. Suddenly Roger pulled out his wizards rod and yelled a few choice words and they marsh mellow man blew up, showering the audience with bits of warm, and in some places toasted, marshmallow.  
  
Numair: "what did you do to the big squishy thing?"  
  
Roger: "I simply said a word of command, and it wasn't of immortal origin, so he blew up."  
  
Numair: "but saying a word of command has a equally disastrous effect somewhere else in the world!! How could you do that!?!?!?!"  
  
Roger: "as far as I know, it had a disastrous effect on Corus, but I don't really care about that, because I am dead, or I will be dead, again, after this wonderful show."  
  
Numair: "well, I still think that you should have a little common courtesy for other people."  
  
While these two had been arguing, Thom had been looking in a book. Now he shut it and yelled, "WILL YOU BOTH PLEASE SHUT UP!!!"  
  
Audience: cheers!!! "yeahhhhhh!!!!!"  
  
Thom: "thank you. Now, I have found the spell I was looking for in the first place." Thom muttered another word that no one understood. This time not even Numair or Roger knew what he was about to do. When Thom was finished, a strange sense of, there was no way else to put it, not-right- ness in the air around Thom. Suddenly he pointed at Roger, and Roger cringed and stepped back. Thom then closed his hand into a fist and continued to stare fiercely at Roger. There was a pop, and roger disappeared, leaving the room back to feeling normal.  
  
Numair continued to stare at the spot where Roger had disappeared, and then simply stated, "Cool." he then looked at Thom. "I guess its just you and me now"  
  
Thom: "yes, it looks like it is."  
  
Ozorne: "weeell, wasn't that interesting match so far! But don't go away, we still have half a match left, and many more after that! We'll be back to the mages battle, after these messages"  
  
A/N" ok, tell us what you guys think. Remember, we cant write any more until you so what you have to do. that's right folks. Just push the little button down there (you know the one I meant!! Its not that hard!!!) the one that says "click here to review!!" that's right, you need to review!! Review review review!! But other then that, just wait till the next chapter! 


	3. Mages Battle: Part 2

Celebrity Death Match: Tortallan Style  
  
   
  
Chapter 3: The Mages Battle: Part 2  
  
   
  
Disclaimer: we don't own any of the characters, they belong to Tamora Pierce yatta yatta yatta…you know the drill!!  
  
   
  
Ozorne: Aaaaaaaaand we're back!! We have one more part of the mages battle left, and there are only two more contestants standing in the ring: Thom of Trebond, and Numair Salmalín.  
  
   
  
Crowd: cheers!! "YYYAAAAAAYY!!!!!"  
  
   
  
Ozorne: Now, lets go down to the ringside and watch the great fight!  
  
   
  
The bell rings and the two mages get up from their corners and head towards the center of the ring. They begin to circle each other, when suddenly, Numair shouts an arcane word, and Thom suddenly bursts into black flames. Thom screams in agony, withering on the floor for a few seconds, before he can mutter the counter curse and he stops burning instantly. He gets up from the ground and starts again to circle Numair. This time, Thom makes his move, and he shouts a weird word at Numair. Unfortunately for Thom, Numair could see the streak of blood red fire head towards him, and he ducked, avoiding it. Thom doesn't let this defeat bother him though. He keeps circling Numair, waiting for his chance, and looking like he's thinking really hard about something. (It looks like it's hard work!) He finally looks like he made up his mind, and he whips out a wand from under his black robes, and shouts at Numair in a loud voice, "AVADA KADAVRA!!!" There is a streak of green light that shoots towards Numair, and Numair throws up a black shield of fire just in time.  
  
   
  
"You IDIOT!!!" Numair yelled at Thom after the green streak had evaporated. "That's not in our stories!! That's in that nut Rowling's story!!! Harry Potter! You can't use spells form other stories!" he turned toward the judges' stand and yelled at them. "He can't use other story's spells, can he?" They had a short conference, in which both of the players stood in the ring impatiently, waiting to see if Thom would be penalized. The judges finished, and one of them got a microphone from somewhere, and announced,  
  
   
  
"Thom of Trebond has used a curse form another story and it has been decided that that is not illegal and Thom won't be penalized." One of the judges shrugged and said, "Hey, we told you there were no rules!"  
  
   
  
Audience: "BOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" They start to throw things because they seem to be extremely angry.  
  
   
  
Numair's jaw dropped. Thom laughed at the sight, and when Numair saw him he popped. "WHY YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING SCUM BAG JUDGES SHOULD JUST beep beep beep beep ARE A BUNCH OF beep beep beep beep beep!!!!!! AND YOU CAN SHOVE YOUR JUDGING SKILLS beep beep beep beep beep beep beep!!!"  
  
   
  
Brief shot of Ozorne: "sorry folks, this program is edited for your enjoyment." He ducks as a flying chair form the audience zooms his way.  
  
   
  
Thom now is laughing his bum off, and Numair turns back to him after he's through with the judges, who are all so startled that they can only stare at the crowd and Numair. Anyway, Numair turned back to Thom when he saw him laughing hysterically, bent in half and holding his stomach he was laughing so hard. Numair looked deadly, but unfortunately Thom wasn't looking at Numair. He looked pretty funny; his face was all red, and a little vein in his forehead was throbbing uncontrollably. He stepped towards Thom with a deadly glint in his eye, and suddenly the entire crowd went deathly silent. They all watched the black robe mage advance on the young sorcerer who was just now looking up to meet his adversary. (A/n: ooooh, big word usage!!! Hehehe.) Numair towered over the young Thom, and before Thom could react Numair threw out his arms to his sides, glared intently at Thom, and uttered an arcane word or power. Thom's face twisted into a look of intense pain for just a moment. Before anyone in the audience could work up a good scream, there was a loud 'pop' and now standing in the place of Thom of Trebond was a large Cork Oak tree. He nodded and turned away from the tree. The stands erupted into cheers.  
  
   
  
Audience: cheers! (Didn't I already say that?) "YAAAAAAAAAAYY!!!!!!"  
  
   
  
Raoul comes into the arena and takes Numair's hand and waves it up, proclaiming him the victor.  
  
   
  
Audience: More Cheers!  
  
   
  
Ozorne: "Weeell that was a great show by Numair Salmalín, the Champion of this first battle. Only one problem Numair."  
  
   
  
At this Numair looked at the announcer's stand and glared at the large steel bird. "What?!" he snapped. "there's nothing wrong with it."  
  
   
  
Ozorne: "well, not technically, but I think that the tree would look much better in this environment as a pine, seeing as we're in the north."  
  
   
  
Numair glared at him again, and then turned to the newly made tree and glared at it. It shaped itself into a pine tree, and Numair turned back to Ozorne. "Happy now bird boy?!"  
  
   
  
Ozorne: "why yes, thank you Numair!" he turns back to audience, who is no longer throwing things at him. "Weeeeeeeeell folks, that's about all the time we have for today, so tune in next time for another episode of…. CELEBRITY DEATH MATCH: TORTALLAN STYLE!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
   
  
Audience: MORE CHEERS!!!!  
  
   
  
Varice: "well folks, that's about all the time we have for today, so tune in next time for another epis…." She pauses because everyone is looking at her weird. "What did I say it wrong? Do I have something in between my teeth?" she whips out a mirror and begins inspecting her face.  
  
   
  
Ozorne: Rolls his eyes. "No, no, no Varice! That was my line. I already said it. You say the line that has your name before it. Remember I highlighted them for you?"  
  
   
  
Varice: "OH YEAH!!! I remember, you highlighted them last night when you came over to my house and we had a little bit of...."  
  
   
  
Ozorne: "NOOOOOOO!!!! SHUT UP VARICE!!!!! SHUT UP NOW!!!!" Ozorne turns to camera guy with worried look on his face. "CUT!! Go to commercial!!!" Turns back to Varice as shot fades out. "I TOLD YOU NEVER TO TALK ABOUT THAT!!!"  
  
   
  
Big Announcer's Voice: okay folks, thanks for tuning in. We're having, erm, *COUGHannouncer problemsCOUGH* and so this is where the show will end!!!! Good night, and remember, BE KIND, AND ALWAYS REVIEW STORIES!!!! (A/n: no hint or anything there!!!!) Thank you!! 


	4. Annoucement

This will soon be a chapter...this is info regarding this fic…  
  
Along with the announcer problems after the mage's battle, the BIG announcer's voice was also having problems…(a.k.a. my editor put that in and I'm not finished with the fic…) anyways, stay tuned for more action that will replace this announcment 


End file.
